From ESPN (emphasis mine):

Flyers forward Patrick Thoresen was on the fourth line four days after a puck to the groin sent him to the hospital and nearly cost him a testicle.

The play that this happened on, one of the Caps shot the puck at the goal. Now, the goaltender would probably have stopped it, but right on the doorstep was Alex Ovechkin, the regular season's best player and probable league MVP. Thoresen dropped to the ice to stop the puck - preventing it from even getting within Ovechkin's reach - and it nearly cost him a testicle.

That's what hockey is all about. Sacrifice for the team.

Also, Flyer's goaltender Martin Biron had his wife reschedule her c-section. It's playoffs! Kids can wait.

-pb

If you don't follow hockey, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about from here down.

So, the Washington Capitals Website should really be called the Alexander Ovechkin website. In fact, it really should be capitals.ovechkin.com, not capitals.nhl.com. The kid is a team unto himself.

Alex Ovechkin became the first player in 12 years to score 60 goals, but that's not as remarkable as the fact that those 60 goals account for over 27% of the Capitals total offense (220 goals). He's also got 46 assists for 106 points, which means that he's had a hand in nearly 50% of every goal that the Caps have scored. More than one of every four of the Caps' goals have come off of #8's stick, and this team is still in playoff contention. MVP? Any player who you can point to and say "give me four of him, and that's my team" is definitely MVP material.

I'm not Caps fan, but damn, this kid is the real deal. People think that Sidney Crosby is the next Gretzky. They're a little off target. Crosby is easily the next Lemieux. Ovechkin, now there's the next Gretzky.

-pb

Seriously, if you like hockey, these finals are not dissapointing. Rarely do you this much bad blood between two teams that haven't met in over a year.

-pb

Ok, Canada is fucking awesome. Here's one reason: Hockey. Yes, I know it's a stereotype to link Canadians to hockey, but I had the choice of three different channels to watch Devils/Lightning game 6 (ok, one of them was the NBC affiliate out of Plattsburgh, NY, but whatever). Hockey Night in Canada? Fuck yea. No American coverage has ever come this close to hockey, not by a longshot. I used to think that there was two ways to watch TV: go to a game, or see it on TV. HNIC actaully introduced me to a third level. It's like being at the game, but they give you stats, too. They showed the announcement of the opening lineups. Hell, they don't even do that for football here in America except on local radio. Just awesome.

And then, just to cap it off, while flipping through the channels up here, I came across a commercial for some sort of pizza akin to Digiorno, and it's got Martin Brodeur. It was all in French, but it was hilarious. And it was Marty B. Canada, Fuck Yeah!

-pb

So, in a move that left my head spinning, Devils GM Lou "Pwnz You" Lamorello fired head coach Claude Julien with three games left in a 100+ point season after winning 4 of their last 5 games.

Sayfuckwhat?

Granted, they'd been slumping as of late, and are now in the unenviable position of having to ward off the Penguins for the division title, but... wow.

Two factors that are clashing in my head:

1) The last time Lou fired a head coach right before the playoffs, the pundits called him a lunatic. Well, they did until they won the Cup about two months later.

2) Every time the Devils have had a head coach that was a part of the Canadiens franchise, they've won the cup. Julien used to coach the Canadiens. They've never won a cup without an ex-Canadiens head coach.

So, on one hand, we've got Lou's proven "Fire the winning coach so you can win" method, and on the other, we've got "Canadiens coach = Cup" streak.

But I've learned something over the past 13 years:

Never, EVER question Lou.


Devils/Predators, six games, Martin Brodeur gets cup #4 and the Conn Smythe.

-pb

Now, I don't like to gloat, but I do love crunching stats: Just a note to all you Flyers fans, at the Flyer's average pace for the season, they're on track for 48 points, which is a) less than the eight-seeded teams in both conferences have now and b) what the 14th place team in the East (Florida) currently has.

Of course, even that's interesting. There are 10 points separating 6th place from 14th place in the East.

And when the fuck did Nashville decide that Detroit was no longer in their division? I know that Barry Trotz isn't human (just look at him!), but this is insane. They're making a President's Trophy run already! What the hell happened to Anaheim and Buffalo?

It's going to be a Predators - Devils finals, I tell you.

-pb

So, while I'm happily watching the NHL Skills Competition, Bush is going to be giving his sixth unwarranted State of the Union address, in which he will declare the state of the union to be "strong". He's also going to continue the theme of last year's chunky vomiting of nonsense about us being addicted to foreign oil (which we should replace with raw Alaskan crude!), and suggest that we turn the lights off cut gas consumption. Oh, wait, one of the ways to do that is to turn the lights off. And they say that Jimmy Carter was stupid. Meanwhile, every auto manufacturer selling to Americans knows that giant gas-guzzling behemoths are the way to go. Think the administration is going to offer any sort of rebate for hybrids? Toyota just upped production of the Prius, but even for states that have rebates, too many have been sold for future buyers to qualify. That's right folks, Toyota sold so many Prii that Pennsylvania doesn't feel the need to offer you a rebate anymore if you buy one. Problem solved! We sure licked that global warming!

No, Bush's call for us to use less gas is a strategeric move designed to benefit oil companies. Come on, people, with an approval rating LOWER THAN NIXON'S, what do you think America's going to do? "Fuck, that asshole told me to save gas? No fucking way! I'MA BUY ME A HUMMER AND LEAVE THE A/C ON ALL FUCKING DAY."

The man can even use his unpopularity to benefit his friends.

-pb

(Preparing for the barrage of drunken crying, screaming and flailing from sinisterscorpio...)

After being in third (or worse) in the Atlantic division since THE MIDDLE OF OCTOBER, The NEW JERSEY DEVILS have set a record by winning their final eleven games, and then storming back from a three-goal deficit against the Canadiens to not only win the game, but win the division and home ice against the Rangers.

So close, Flyers! SO CLOSE! But YOU LOSE by ONE GAME. Have fun with the Sabres, who whomped the Hurricanes 3-0 tonight. If you manage to get past them, you'll probably meet the Devils in round two.

-pb

My nonviolence ends at the edge of the ice. Fighting in hockey is a safety valve. Take it away, and something somewhere else is going to give. That something seems to be some guy's vertebrae lately.

Things that would happen in my NHL:

Players who are assesed a match penalty for intent to injure and have that ruling upheld after careful video review would recieve a suspension exactly corresponding to the length of time their victim is unable to play, unless their victim has logged more than 10 years in the league, in which case, the suspension would last an entire season (82 games plus one playoff year).

Todd Bertuzzi, who in March 2004, hit Steve Moore with nothing less than premeditated murderous intent, would still be sitting on his ass, hoping beyond hope that Moore can one day skate again. Moore remains out of the NHL, possibly for the rest of his life. He is 27 years old.

Brooks Orpik drilled Eric Cole into the boards, fracturing his vertebrae and sidelining him for the rest of the season. Orpik received a three-game suspension. This kind of dirty hit is even more sinister when you consider that Orpik is a third-rate defenseman for the Pittsburgh Penguins, the leagues absolute worst team, and Cole is having an amazing career year, a standout player on the Carolina Hurricanes, the league's best team.

In my NHL, there would be five minutes for fighting, and referees would only interfere in fights where there was a serious mismatch, or there was a third man in. Fight until one guy goes to the ice. Three fights and you're tossed. There would be no "instigator" penalties, there would be none of this ridiculous suspension and fines for players and coaches for fights in the last five minutes.

The lack of fighting in the NHL has led to increased goonery from the likes of Orpik. Not a 'traditional' goon like Donald Brashear (who, despite his thuggishness and occasional drunk driving, can actually skate, shoot, score, and play piano), Orpik is in the Darius Kasparitis model: low talent level, poor skating ability, and effective at hampering star players only by cheap-shotting them. Fighting allows players to police themselves. It's highly likely that at some point earlier in the game, Orpik made runs at Cole. I guarantee you that Orpik would have been much less likely to throw an illegal hit later in the game if he had been engaged by another player, and perhaps had the snot beaten out of him.

To steal a line from Howie Long, hockey is a violent sport played by violent men. That being said, there is a code of conduct that needs to self-enforce. These new strictures to castrate the physicality of the game lead to situations like this. That's great, I'm sure every Carolina Hurricanes fans would agree: They'd much rather have Erik Cole and a large part of their Stanley Cup hopes laying in a twitching heap on the ice than watch Mike Commodore and Brooks Orpik playing Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots at center ice. Sure they would. And I'm a Rangers fan, too.

-pb

Women's Ice Hockey, Canada vs. Russia.

Canada scored 16 goals against Italy, who I'm convinced doesn't actually have a hockey team. They just grab people off the streets and put them into a uniform. This is evidenced by the 0 goals they scored on all FIVE of their shots. Anyway, Canada is up 7-0 over Russia. At the end of the FIRST PERIOD. Canada scored on 4 of their last 5 shots.

Women's hockey is hockey, so I watch it, but it's just not as... good. Not to say that women can't play, it's just that once you've seen an NHL game, you begin to expect a level of play. Women's hockey is about as good as an ECHL game, and that's because there's no full-time Women's Hockey League. If there were, it would be much much better. I mean, these women can play. Team Canada's goalie is lights-out. Or, she was on the one tough save she needed to make. But she was really good. The skaters make loose passes, and they just don't have that snap that comes from playing hockey for your full-time job. I'd love to see a WHL.

Another thing that's got me pissed off this year is the way that team USA treated Cammi Granato. I'm sorry, but you don't tell Cammi when to retire, she tells you. And if she says that she can go for one more run, you say OK. You don't tell the best women's hockey player ever that she's too old, especially when she's spent four years conditioning for one last run. Total disrespect for an icon, for a role model, and most importantly, for the heart and soul of the team.

-pb

I just saw an article about how the Comcast Tower is going to be finished in Philly in the fall of 2007.

Here's how things would go if the contractors were being hired by Bobby Clarke:

Building opens on schedule in October 2007. Clarke declares that the structure is perfect, even though it is not technically finished. Building is 'finished' in late November. In December, the primary security contractor is downgraded to support status in favor of a smaller, less established firm. In January, slight 'improvements' are made to the building, but overall security features are downgraded. Former primary security contractor and new one seem incapable of working out pecking order, and neither manages to take on the responsibilities of "primary" contractor. In late March/early April, cracks that have been appearing in the building are addressed, and a major structural overhaul is ordered. However, the repairs are made with older, more expensive materials that have a questionable life-span. Clarke declares that these upgrades will make the building great for years. In the process, the entire security structure of the building is again downgraded. The old primary security contractor is fired and replaced with an older, more established company that has a horrible track record. In mid-May, the building collapses unexpectedly when the new primary security contractor fails to turn on the alarm, causing a catastrophic implosion due to the downgraded security measures.

In mid-June, a rival firm opens a smaller, cheaper, yet ultimately more profitable tower in Newark.

::ducks things being thrown by leigh137 and sinisterscorpio::

-js?!

To the 30 owners and 730 players, various members of league management, the NHLPA, agents, Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow:

Go Fuck Yourselves

-pb

You’ve had your chances. A slew of them. And you’ve squandered every last one. I’m not talking about chances to get a deal done, chances to salvage the season or chances to improve the game. I’m talking about chances to win back the fans. You are, after all, an entertainment industry. Your sole purpose is to market a product that entertains fans. And at that, you have failed beyond belief.

Both sides in this conflict are equally to blame. You’ve been acting like children, spoiled, rich, rotten children, and now you need to be spanked and tossed in the corner.

My proposal for fitting punishments:

Owners
For creating this situation because you have been unable to police yourselves, for being stupid beyond belief with money, for expecting everyone else to fix things for you, and for expecting fans to come back to a faltering sport on hands and knees, you deserve an especially harsh punishment. So, get lost. Really. If money is the only language you understand, then that’s your punishment. Not one more cent from this sport should wind up in your pockets. The league should completely fold and sell off all assets. Team names should become property of their respective cities, and owners should be barred from having any financial involvement in anything that even resembles hockey. Forever.

Players
For being whining multi-millionaires, for being so unwilling to flex over issues that would create a better sport, and for caring so much more for a paycheck than entertaining, which you are paid to do, you deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. Stay in Europe. You’ve been working during a labor dispute, which for union members is reprehensible, but even worse, you’ve shown absolutely no solidarity with other workers. There are literally thousands of people suffering financially across North America because of this, and you’re complaining about whether you get $1.7 million or $1.3 million. People can’t pay their rent, and you’re quibbling over FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. That is truly despicable. Your punishment is easy. Play anywhere you want, but we, the fans, get what we want: Hockey and the Stanley Cup.

The Stanley Cup should be taken from the now-defunct National Hockey League, and completely controlled by the Hockey Hall of Fame. It should then be awarded every year in a challenge series of the top teams of each junior and college league in North America. Amateur, unpaid athletes, the future of the sport itself, should be offered the chance to compete each year for the most prized trophy in all sportsdom.

Whatever professional league manages to fill the void can compete for some meaningless, corporate-named trophy with no history and little significance.

Players and owners alike have had the chance to get this deal done. We’ve given you ten years to repair the damage from the last work stoppage, and you’ve done nothing. You’ve allowed an environment where teams miss the playoffs while other teams with a third of their salary win the cup, and then you’ve cried about not being able to be competitive. The league has allowed three teams to come within days of folding, and has not made one move to form some sort of unity among team profits and losses. You’ve moved into markets where hockey simply does not belong and will never catch on (Phoenix), while abandoning markets that live and die on every goal, fight, and check (Hartford).

Players have demanded outrageous salaries for mediocre performances, and owners have offered them. And in the meantime, fans have been filing out of the stadium (those that could afford to get in). You’ve made the sport inaccessible. You’ve now done what only influenza has managed to do once in the past 112 years: you’ve locked up the most important trophy in sports history.

For that, you deserve no part of this sport. Players, owners, general managers. You’re a stain on the face of the best sport on the planet. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

-pb

While I'd rather side with guys making an average of 1.7 million dollars a year over guys making $30+ million a year, I think it's time for the players union to do some simple math. The latest proposal that the league offered was a $42 million dollar cap and a $32 million dollar minimum.

There are 30 teams in the league. There are 730 players. (average of just under 25 players per team: 20 active and 4-5 reserve)

The average player salary in 2003-2004 was $1,700,000

$32,000,000 * 30 = $96,000,000
$96,000,000 / 730 = $1,315,068

If every team were at the league minimum, players would be losing about $400,000, or about 24% of their salaries, WHICH THEY ALREADY AGREED TO.

$42,000,000 * 30 = $126,000,000
$126,000,000 / 730 = $1,726,027

If every team in the league capped out, players would be making THE SAME GODDAMNED AVERAGE THEY MADE LAST YEAR, which is, I might add, A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY.

There are five teams in the league that are profitable. The other 25 range from 'treading water' to 'hemorraging cash like a hemophiliac with a head wound'. Players salaries accounted for 75% of league revenues last year. That means that teams had, on average, $14 million left over to pay executive salaries, training staff, equipment, transportation costs, marketing, stadium rent or upkeep, etc.

Fact: The league screwed the proverbial pooch in 1994.
Fact: The league is losing money
Fact: The players will not have jobs if the league folds, which it is in danger of doing.
Fact: It took baseball over 10 years to recover.
Fact: If there is no season this year, the NHL is DO MOTHERFUCKING A.

Thank you.

-pb

Bettman rejects proposal; counteroffer turned down

At what point to the owners and players realize "Hey! We're not making any fucking money!" ?

The league wants player salaries to be directly tied to revenues. Hmm. Guess they got that. They're not getting any revenue, and the players aren't making any money.

Problem solved. Someone please send Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow to Sibera.


-pb

Denis Leary hosts a hockey game every year at the Fleet Center in Boston, with teams staffed by celebrities, former players, and (except for this year with an excuse for campaigning) John Kerry.

Steven Tyler was an assistant coach this year. Leary and a former Bruin got into a fight 4 seconds in. And Michael J. Fox scored a hat trick.

I'll say that again: MICHAEL J. FOX SCORED THREE GOALS IN A HOCKEY GAME, ON SKATES.


Oh, and if you needed any more inspiration to vote for the man...



Yes, that is really him. For proof, go here.

-pb

Pictures of Me, Ray and Lord Stanley's Holy Grail.
( The beard is gone, but the shine of silver is still in my eyes... )

( This is likely the closest that a Flyer's logo is ever going to get to the cup. )

( Three for me, none for you, Ray.  That's all I need to say. )

-pb

So, I shaved.

Yes, after 5 months and 18 days of claiming I was going to go a whole year with a beard, I got fed up with the fact that it made me look like shit, and took it off. I was trying to hold out for the Renn Faire (big red beard and kilt), but then I realized that the Faire doesn't even start until August. So, I'll start growing it in next Saturday when playoffs start, and we'll take it from there.

-pb

So yeah, wow, it's been a while.  Why?

Well, I had a long post worked up a while back, and it crapped out.  So I just screamed at the screen and it cowered in the corner.  That was the end of that.  Regardless, I am posting now, so rejoice all ye masses.

Or someshit.

So yeah, wow.  Got nice and trashed on saturday with Vince while V. and Leigh were off doing candle tupperware girl stuff.  I had four shots of tequila.  Two Mike's Hard Limes.  A pint of Guinness (love!).  And a Friday's Ultimate Mudslide, just to top shit off.  I was suprised that I could still walk.  Fun!  But it's all good.

So the hockey playoffs are coming up, and I'm getting all wet over that.  I'm also moistening at the thought of continuing my V:TM Game that's turning out awesome... in my head atleast.  Once I get to drop this hell on unsuspecting characters, there will be a hearty round of 'Bwahahahahahahaha!'.  Note to Lee:  There will be a hearty round of 'Bwahahahahahahaha!'.  Prepare thyself.

I just got ahold of Transylvania Chronicles IV: The Dragon Ascendant.  This completes the quadrilogy.  Can someone explain why the HELL White Wolf prints a four part adventure, and then DISCONTINUES PART FOUR WHILE STILL PRINTING 1-3?!@#!@!!  I mean, I've had the first three for almost 5 years.  However, I shan't bitch, because I bought it used from a guy on Amazon.com, and even with shipping I paid 60% of original retail, and it's in MINT FRIGGIN' CONDITION.

I am saddened by the impending discontinuing of the entire WOD line.  But I shan't fret, people on Amazon are apparently willing to part with OOP books for pennies on the dollar.  So my collection will some day be complete.

Someday.

I'm working on the beastbox, and I'll have pics soon, I hope.

I will also have pics of me TOUCHING THE STANLEY CUP.  Yes, I have laid bare palm-flesh upon this holy relic, and those of you wishing to touch me to perhaps gain some of its magical blessings may inquire within.  There is a price, so be prepared to pony up.

And that's where I'm going to end this.  We now return you to your program, already in progress.

-pb